Friday, August 2, 2013

A New Year, A New Attitude

It is 2013 and the past eight years have been the toughest of my life.  My life is such a mess that there are times when I don't know how to get through the next minute.  Really.  I am at a point where my survival is minute-by-minute.

2013 has brought a yearning in me.  I want to enjoy my life again.  I want to smile genuinely, look forward to something, feel contentment, and be at ease.  The trouble is that I have forgotten how to do these things.  I have been so unhappy for so long that everything is a burden, my worries overwhelm me and, though I am lonely as hell, I want to be left alone.

A voice inside me tells me that it is a hopeful sign that I want things to be different. 

Since I don't know how to get to the place I would rather be, I have decided to just journey and hope I wind up there.  My journey is going to be reading all that I can on changing my outlook, healing my wounds, forgiving those who have hurt me, finding my faith in God again, and moving toward my goals.  At this time I cannot afford a therapist, so I will cull the Internet for articles, quotes, prayers and advice and use this forum to comment, journal, and hopefully, grow.

I have to believe that moving forward has got to take me away from where I stand now.  Baby steps are better than no steps at all.  I just can't remain where I am right now.

The Captain of My Ship

I am single.  I have been single longer than I was married, plus a few of my dating years thrown in as well.  So, as Valentine’s Day approaches, I have no sense of anticipation for whispered affections over an exquisite meal, flowers sent to work to vex my female cohorts, or hearts-and-flower cards in my mailbox.  I am invariably left out of Valentine’s conversations at work as well.  I don’t really mind, I guess no one wants to risk making me feel unhappy because I am single.  But I am not unhappy.  Not really.  Oh yes, there are some times when I wish that I had someone to go out with, to read the newspaper over a brunch of bagels and coffee with, to visit museums and antique stores with.  But for the most part, my singledom has been hard-won.

I have loved.  I have felt what it means when you say “you complete me.”  I have loved passionately and soulfully.  I have loved excitedly and I have loved calmly.  I have also been hurt.  When I’ve loved, it has been so absolute that the rejection of it has left me with no breath.  I have felt physical pain that has doubled me over from the realization that I’ve been passed over.  The psychic scars are with me yet.

I am single, but I am living my life on my terms now.  I no longer have to compromise.  I can live my life according to my values and principles.  Some may say that I am rationalizing a lonely life, but I know how far this tree has bent and it feels great to stand tall and move with the wind.

I look at how far I’ve come, I remember how much I’ve experienced, and I know that whatever I do now, it will be because it is best for me.  Being the captain of my ship does not just mean that I must go down with it, it means that I can chart its course.